Over the course of the past several years, in my life, I have had a few changes. The biggest one was separating from my husband of almost 14 years (at that time) in 2009. We have been separated now for 6 years. Through 14 years of marriage, life was never easy. I understood that as a couple, there would be challenges, and I was willing to stand by him through those challenges and felt that as a couple, we would get through them together. Until one day I realized it wasn't just bad luck we were having that was causing us to face such challenges. It was his attitude. However, it wasn't until about a year before we were separated that I realized this. Now, 6 years later after the separation, my realizations have come full circle.
"Jon" always had a very negative and defeatist attitude about everything. When I would ask him why he was always so negative, he would tell me "I'm not being negative, I'm being a realist." At the time, that seemed like a perfectly acceptable answer and I began to defend his "realist" attitude. I lost all sight of what being positive should be and I set myself up for his failures because I knew the next "challenge" was always around the corner. I learned to expect them and believed we just were born to struggle as Jon said we were. Jon lost job after job and I would get every excuse in the book from "I'm just not fast enough" to " The boss doesn't like me". One would think he was back in second grade again, whining about how the teacher doesn't like him. Every time he would start a new job, he would go in with the same old attitude and never a fresh clean slate.
I felt that attitude of his carry with me. I always had a low self esteem and lived constantly with the feelings that I wasn't good enough to do anything, but I have learned that his attitude and negativity affected me and who I was even further than what I had already thought of myself. The longer we were together, the more I began to feel that I wasn't worth better. He lost quite a few jobs in our marriage, and it just became a normal way of life for him. He became comfortable to the way we were living and it was always a struggle, yet he never did anything to make things better. It was acceptable to him that this was his life. He didn't want more for me, or our two children.
Jon's life consisted of never doing any more or any less than what was needed I don't think I ever wanted a lot. A nice, modest home and a safe, loving environment for our kids to grow up in. Long story short, when he lost his then current job after only working there a year, we decided it was time to work on separating from each other. Our marriage at that point became a marriage of convenience. In 2009, he finally moved out.
I have come to learn over the past few years that much of what we are made of has every thing to do with energy. Things we do affect that energy. How we keep our space, who lives in our space and who even visits our space all effects our lives. I believe negative energy breeds negative energy and positive breeds positive.
Good things happen when you have a more positive attitude. You can't allow yourself to be trapped into darkness by all that is negative. It will eat you alive. Literally. If you allow yourself to feel constantly stressed and take on negative energy, it can only make you ill.
Without going into further details about "Jon" and I, lets just say Jon consistently and continues to dwell in all that is negative. He is still a small part of my life because of our two kids. Whenever Jon comes over, he is never without some kind of dramatic baggage. This Christmas eve/day when he càme over to see the kids was no different. Long story short, he had a car accident in his new car. But instead of being thankful that it wasn't much worse and that he was alive and not seriously or fatally injured, he whined about what a bad way he was in. What bad way? You're alive, aren't you? Cars are replaceable, human life isn't!! He spoke about how much the holidays make him depressed and how he has nothing.
This is where I began to put my life into perspective. For the first time I realized that what happens to him is something I can't control. I need to stop worrying about things that are out of my control. I can't fix Jon, as much and as hard as I've tried. He dwells in a pit of darkness. He makes poor decisions and poor choices. I have too. I'm not perfect by any means. However, I am in the process of change. Positive changes. Surrounding myself with all that is good in my life. I have struggles like anyone else. We all do. But the trick is not getting so stuck in those struggles that you think that is where you belong. You deserve all that is good. We all do!! Life is good. It truly is and that's what we have to be thankful for. Don't look for all the bad in your life. Don't hold on to that. Find the the good. Cherish the precious moments and embrace the positivity!